T. S. Helot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Gogglebox by Spiros Doikas (Parody of T. S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

The following is a parody I wrote on T. S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and is part of my satire on the British.

T. S. Helot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Gogglebox

O quam te memorem televirgo!

Let us go then you and I
When the evening spreads out
Like a potato etherized upon a couch
Hence, in etherization, may commence holly communion
with the Couch Potato Union.

In the room women talk about Home and Away
Terry Christian, Chris Evans - with no dismay.

No! I’m not Prince Charles,
nor was I meant to be;
and I won’t have a big wedding on TV.
I’m just an attendant horde, whose vision
Is espoused to the television.

In the room women talk about Brookside
Pamela Anderson, Take That - joking aside

I have measured out my life with visions of the telly
precious sights of pneumatic bliss
gazes in inter-embracement,
aphiloprogenitive
and opticopro-
philiac.


In the room women talk about Top of The Pops
Neighbours, Cantona - chewing on their lolipops

Do I dare eat a leech? Do I dare suck a nipple?
I shall were the tackiest union jack trousers
and jerk off upon a ripple.

I have seen the sluts shagging in the showers:
I do not think that they will take more than a tickle.

We have lingered by the chambers of the screen
By screen-girls wreathed with screen-weed red and brown
‘Till human voices wake us, and we frown.